Good Grief!

I am not an expert on grieving. I do not have some fancy degree in psychology and I most certainly could not guide you through even if I wanted to.

It's been nearly 1 year 4 months since my mom passed away, and maybe its now being 7 months pregnant with our second bambino that I feel that this process we call "grieving" apart from highly and I really do mean HIGHLY sucking, it also seems to get lost in translation a bit. For instance happening to not socialize with a lot of people other than my family for a period...doesn't really translate into "HELP I'm holding a gun to my head and I'm about to pull the trigger" - that sort of thing.

I have come to realize too that everyone has their own view of what is an acceptable way of grieving...more often it is those that are not experiencing what we are. No two lives are ever the same, so no two losses can ever be compared - its kind of a fact.

From the very second she took her last breath, life changed, it changed for us forever. Never to be the same. Life altering moments like that tend to change people, we are not the same people. Perhaps a little harder, a little less enthusiastic, a little more "I couldn't care less" - can you honestly blame us. If anyone is expecting the exact same person to be standing in front of them, let me say right, up front, forget about it!

I've realized that there is no right or wrong way to grieve and certainly no right or wrong time frame to do it in. Things like 30 years of marriage and 25 years of parenting can not simply be "gotten over" in a year. It has been the relationship that has shaped me most in my life...try to comprehend that. And I'm going to go really dark here for a second and say, try to imagine not being able to call someone mom for over a year...

I read an article that said that changes in ones life years down the line (e.g the birth of a child) can set in motion the grieving process again, and that goes for all members of the family - I thought that made sense.

Iv had someone say to me regarding a family member, " Oh that's not normal", if there is a normal, please for the love of Pete I beg of you to tell me. Normal really doesn't exist, so whether I'm trudging through or lying on the floor momentarily screaming "earth swallow me now", as long as I'm still moving isn't that enough?

I don't know if anyone else finds this but...you really don't have to say anything to me about it, in fact Id rather prefer if we just ignored the cloud that is sometimes over our heads.

There are ups and downs, bad days that yes maybe turn into a week or two, but eventually they get a little better until they turn into fine or maybe even an o.k...I really don't think anyone can expect anything more. Basically what I'm trying to say is sometimes we cry and that's still OK, sometimes we don't want to talk about it and that's OK, sometimes we don't want company and just want to be at home and that's OK, sometimes we don't want everyone to know our medical history at this moment in time and that's OK and sometimes we feel a little more on the depressed side and that's OK. Heck sometimes we are totally fine and that's OK...we are all OK! 

We Made It To One.

It's official we have made it to the One Year mark.
I can honestly say the BEST and worst year of my life. I say this because although having Harvey has been the biggest blessing a lot of heartbreaking/life changing events have happened within this last year.

I was 24 when I had Harvey and Cuan and I had been married for nearly 5years so it felt like the next natural step on our journey. One thing I learnt almost immediately (and I'm sure many can relate) was that you are never ready! Even when you think you are ready, trust me, you never are...not really. It's daunting but definitely not a bad thing. For me I had pretty set views on what kind of mother I would be, and the second Harvey was born that all went right out the window. When I look back now i actually laugh at myself.

Those first few weeks with harvey were the most trying. It was all so new to me, and I felt completely inadequate. I had heard so much from other moms about what having a baby was like that when I had one of my own and it wasn't like what they described I was completely thrown. I did not feel that instant bond with him, rather I found that our bond grew. Don't get me wrong I loved him like no other but I distinctly remember only truly falling in love with him when he was 3months. Breast feeding was a total nightmare, I didn't realise it would be that difficult. It is the most amazing experience, and I would encourage all my friends to try but man...it is really really really hard! In a nut shell, I did not cope. At the time I thought it was the breastfeeding that was getting me down. So cuan and I,with the advise from my doctor, decided to change harvey to the bottle. I felt some relief like the pressure was off of me a little. But the feeling like the walls were caving in on me never really left. Yip, I was suffering from Post-Natal Depression. I remember somedays calling Cuan at work in tears, I felt like I was not cut out to be a mother.

While Harvey was a VERY easy going baby, I was trying to adapt to motherhood while at the same trying to be a support to my mom while she was going through treatment and trying to be of some use to my Dad at the family business. I felt guilty constantly and like I was being pulled in three different directions. Never being able to give 100% to either.  If it wasn't for the love and support from my family and friends as well as my amazing husband I don't know how I would of gotten through. I have come to realise that although I had Harvey during what turned out to be a very difficult time, i have never regretted it. I think that I would of found motherhood a challenge not matter when I decided to take on the role.

So what have I learnt? If theres a way to prepare for the unexpected, do that! Otherwise just prepare to go with the flow. Breastfeed or not it's not the end of the world, just do your best, it does not define the kind of mother you are. The best piece of advise I ever got was "Happy mamma = happy baba...in 10years time no one is going to care whether you breastfed or not". Ask for help, let those old folks pop in to visit even though the house is a mess, it will give you 10min to yourself in the shower. If you feel like you aren't coping or feel down, do not be ashamed its totally normal, I recon a lot of moms feel the same at some point just not everyone likes to share it. I found talking to other moms or friends and family really helped. Or even seek medical help, again Happy Mamma = Happy baba. The older they get the easier it gets, and they do grow up so quickly. Blink and they are one so try to take it all in and enjoy it.

Harvey is the most delightful child I have ever known. I can see that we are going to have to teach him "stranger danger" soon because he is so darn friendly. He hands down has the ability to make me want to pull my hair out and the next minute is making my heart to flips inside my chest. Because of him I have learnt so much about myself, I have changed so much and continue to.

I hope that sharing my experience will help other new moms out there.

-"I promise to give you love, nurturing and just enough dysfunction to make you funny"